


as we watch it melt

by fangirl_squee



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Other, Spoilers up to SiH18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 21:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18060461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_squee/pseuds/fangirl_squee
Summary: Ben finds out all on his own. He tries to work out what to do on his own.(Blue J makes sure he's not alone)





	as we watch it melt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thunder_rolled_a_six](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunder_rolled_a_six/gifts).



> For Annie, for her birthday
> 
> Title from 'the good that won't come out' by rilo kiley
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to maddie, for her speedy betaing

 

Ben finds out because he overhears his parents talking. It’s how he finds out anything really, and although it’s useful it’s mostly just frustrating because he’s not a little kid anymore, you know? He’s almost twenty, he can help out with more than just the around-the-house busywork that his mother used to give him to keep him out of trouble.

 

This time though, he doesn’t feel annoyed. He just feels hollow, a sick, twisting feeling in his gut.

 

He’s the reason he’s in danger. It’s his fault. It’s his fault just by _being_ here.

 

Ben runs, as fast as his legs will carry him, to the small space he and Blue J found so long ago, and collapses. His breath comes in rasping gasps and he makes himself small against the dirt wall, his hands curled into tight fists. It’s dark in the room, but he can’t bring himself to light a candle. They never keep matches or flint in here, Ben usually lights it with magic. He curls his fists in tighter, his nails digging into his palms. He doesn’t want to use magic. Magic’s the reason for all of this.

 

He’s not sure how long he’s there for, breathing unsteadily in the dark, before Blue J finds him. They have a lantern with them, the line of worry in the forehead deepening as they look at him. Ben looks down at their shadows.

 

“Ben?”

 

Ben opens his mouth, then shuts it again. He curls in tighter, trying to be smaller, trying to disappear. Blue J puts a hand on his shoulder. Ben flinches, and they quickly draw their hand back.

 

“What happened?” says Blue J. “What can I do?”

 

Ben can’t bring himself to look at them. He shakes his head.

 

Blue J hesitates, then sits next to him, not touching but close enough that Ben can feel the warmth radiating off their body. He leans towards them without quite meaning to, until his head is resting on their shoulder. His breathing slows, hitching faintly as Blue J gently threads their fingers together, squeezing his hand.

 

Ben licks his lips. “Sorry.”

 

He can feel Blue J shake their head. “You haven’t done anything to be sorry for.”

 

“But I have,” says Ben, and tells them.

 

He doesn’t look at Blue J as he speaks, but he feels them tense beside him, and then let go of his hand so they can wrap their arm around his shoulders. Ben buries his face into Blue J’s chest, his hand coming up to curl around the front opening of their jacket. He can feel their heartbeat, strong, under his cheek.

 

“So what are they going to do?” says Blue J.

 

Ben swallows around the lump in his throat. “I don’t know, they didn’t- I don’t think they know what to do.”

 

And that’s frightening in itself: to remember the hushed, worried tones of his parents. Even in the midst of war and the end of the world and dying gods, his parents always have a plan of action, giving calm directions as they move through the chaos. They hadn’t had that, when they’d talked about him. They’d sounded unsteady. They’d sounded _scared_.

 

Blue J‘s arms tighten around him. “Wait. They didn’t tell you?”

 

Ben shrugs.

 

He feels Blue J’s shoulders shift slightly, the way he does when he’s making a face. “They should have told you.”

 

Ben doesn’t say anything. He wishes they had. He also wishes he didn’t know. The two emotions twist together in his stomach.

 

“So what are we going to do?”

 

Something clenches in Ben’s chest at the _we_.

 

“I don’t know,” says Ben, “I don’t have enough information about what’s happening, and I can’t exactly ask them. I was thinking I- maybe I should just leave.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’d be safer for everyone if I wasn’t here,” says Ben, trying to stop his voice from wavering.

 

“Then I’ll come with you,” says Blue J. “I’m the ranger, almost. We’ll be safe, together.”

 

“No,” says Ben. “As long as Arrell has a connection through me no one around me is safe, and if you’re with me then you’ll be in danger too.”

 

“Well I’m not letting you go by alone,” says Blue J, “besides, why would _I_ want to stay here without _you_? This place would be no fun.”

 

Ben laughs, a quiet, watery sound but a laugh nonetheless.

 

They sit together in the quiet for a long moment. Ben focuses on Blue J’s steady breaths, in and out. In, and out.

 

Ben takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

 

Blue J pulls him in closer for a moment before he relaxed his grip. “Good. So, what’s plan?”

 

He doesn’t really have one. Normally, he would ask his mother for advice, but he can’t exactly do that in this case.

 

So he does the next best thing.

  


“Hella,” says Ben, “can I ask you something?”

 

Hella pauses from where she’s sharpening her sword. “Sure, what’s up?”

 

“How do you…” Ben pauses, reorganises his thoughts. “You had a god in your head, right?”

 

“Uh huh…”

 

“Was that… Could you, like, feel her in there, watching what you were doing?”

 

Hella shifts on her stool, picking up a cloth to wipe the sword down. “Uh, you know, sometimes?”

 

“Does that mean she was there all the time or you could only _feel_ her some of the time?”

 

“I, you know- Ben what’s this about?”

 

“I, uh. I read something. About gods possessing people,” says Ben, “and I was curious if it was accurate.”

 

Hella’s shoulders relax. “Oh, well, it wasn’t like _possession_. It was more like she would be over my shoulder sometimes, looking in on what was going on.”

 

“So she could see you all the time?”

 

Hella paused, thinking. “Maybe. We never talked about it. I think it was more that she had other things going on, so she didn’t have time to watch over me _all_ the time.”

  


“So that’s good news, right?” says Blue J. “That means there might be times where Arrell doesn’t see anything.”

 

“Only if he’s not looking,” says Ben. “We need a way to get him to not look, or a distraction, or something.”

  


He finds Adaire near the tavern, just where Blue J had said she would be. She’s sitting on a bench, sipping from a mug of tea, her relaxed posture at odds with the way her eyes twitch back and forth, watching the passer-bys.

 

Ben sits next to her, careful to keep his own posture relaxed. “Hi.”

 

Adaire gives him an odd look before she goes back to people-watching. “Hello.” She takes a small sip. “You’re Hadrian’s kid, right?”

 

Ben nods. “I… wanted to ask you something.”

 

“Okay,” says Adaire slowly.

 

“I heard you were… I heard my dad say that you were good at misdirection,” says Ben, choosing his words carefully.

 

“Did he?” says Adaire.

 

“Yeah, and so I was wondering, I mean, I’ve been trying to learn how to do that, but it’s hard to learn from just reading.”

 

Adaire’s gaze is sharp when it focuses on him. “What do you need that for?”

 

“Just, you know,” Ben shrugs, casual, casual, this is a relaxed conversation. “In case I need to know.”

 

Adaire hums, skeptical, but her gaze slides away from him. “How do you learn anything? It’s all practise, kid.”

 

“But if you want to make someone look somewhere else, somewhere away from where you’re doing something,” says Ben, “how do you do that?”

 

Adaire’s eyes go back to him. Ben is very careful to not tense his muscles under her gaze.

 

“Planning on starting a career as a magician?”

 

Ben shrugs. ”It just seems like something that’s useful to know.”

 

Adaire hums again. “Well, if you want to know _that_ , maybe you should ask someone who’s a magician.”

  


“Well, I-” says Lem, “I don’t really know. I suppose I’d do it through a pattern, but that can be a tricky thing to do in the moment if you’re not an experienced pattern magician. Why exactly did you say you want to know again?”

  


“I don’t think I have time to become an experienced pattern magician,” says Ben.

 

“You probably could,” says Blue J, “I mean, if that guy can do it, how hard can it be?”

 

Ben laughs and Blue J grins, bumping their shoulders together.

 

“So,” says Blue J, “what’s next?”

  


Talking to Ephrim is hard. Not just because there are hundreds of people who want to, lining up outside the hall at all hours to bend Ephrim’s ear on this or that, but because Ben’s known him almost his whole life. It will be hard to lie to him and even harder to ask him for advice without lying.

 

Blue J squeezes Ben’s hand before he goes in. It’s late, the number of people dwindling as Ephrim retenue usher people out, telling them to come back tomorrow. They wave Ben through, the way they would wave through for his mother, if she came to Ephrim late at night.

 

Ephrim across at him from where he’s standing at the high table, old books and older maps spread in front of him. “Ben? Is everything all right?”

 

“Yes, I…”

 

Ben hesitates, and Ephrim gestures towards a chair. He takes a breath, then lets it out slowly.

 

“I’m sorry to bother you,” says Ben.

 

“You’re not a bother,” says Ephrim, but his smile looks worn at the edges.

 

He wonders how much of Ephrim’s day has been spent on him already, trying to protect people from Arrell’s sight.

 

“So. What’s on your mind?” asks Ephrim.

 

“I- About Arrell,” says Ben.

 

Something flickers over Ephrim’s face.

 

“You’ve fought him before and I… I was- if he’s coming, I want to be prepared,” says Ben. It’s close enough to the truth of why he’s here.

 

“You won’t have to fight him,” says Ephrim.

 

“If he’s as dangerous as you all think, we probably all will,” says Ben.

 

Ephrim huff a dry laugh, running a hand through his hair. ”I suppose you’re not wrong about that. We’re trying to put ourselves in a position where we don’t have to fight him at all.”

 

“He’s really that powerful?”

 

“Very,” says Ephrim. “But it will be- I _hope_ it will be a long time before it comes to that.”

 

“Yeah, I… me too,” says Ben. “But I should still be prepared, right?”

 

“You already are,” says Ephrim. “You’re adept at magic, and I can tell you’ve got your father’s strength. You’re going to be fine.”

 

Ben can see the slight tremble in Ephrim’s hand. He’s not sure if it’s from anger or fear. Perhaps Ephrim’s just overly tired.

 

Despite Ephrim’s words, Ben doesn’t exactly leave feeling reassured.

  


Blue J comes with him to see Throndir. Ben drops to one knee as they reach him to pet Kodiak, giving them the pretense of privacy as Blue J winds slowly around the topic of being the Ranger.

 

“I mean, to learn all that I bet you had to spend a lot of time on your own, right?” says Blue J, “You know, living off of the forest, away from everyone?”

 

“I suppose,” says Throndir, “I wouldn’t say it’s a requirement though.”

 

“I mean, I guess it’s not much different to how we live here, right?” continues Blue J, “Hunting and foraging and everything.”

 

Throndir huffs a laugh. “It’s a little more difficult than that, and a lot less safe. Probably even less now, with the Heat and the Dark around and everything else that’s going on.”

 

“Right,” says Blue J, and changes the topic.

  


They have a fight, once they get out of earshot of Throndir. Well, not a fight, exactly. Ben loves Blue J too much to ever really put too much bite into his words, but they’re so adamant that Ben can’t leave, can’t go into the forest alone.

 

“You sound like my parents,” says Ben.

 

“No I don’t,” says Blue J. They grab Ben’s hand, holding it tight. “I sound like someone who loves you.”

 

Ben’s chest feels too tight to argue at that, and he lets Blue J pull him into a hug. His head fits right under Blue J’s chin, just like it always has, comforting and warm.

 

“I’m not letting you go without me,” says Blue J.

 

“You might have to,” says Ben. His fingers curl tightly in the fabric of Blue J’s jacket. “I don’t want … _this_ to hurt you.”

 

“If you leave without me, it _will_ hurt,” says Blue J.

 

Ben doesn’t know what to say to that, so he leans up, pressing a quick kiss to Blue J’s lips. Blue J follows him down, letting the second kiss linger. Their conversation disappears, for a while.

  


“There’s one last person I want to ask,” says Ben.

 

They head up the hill, through the cemetery toward Samol’s tree. He wishes he could have asked Samol in person, but the tree is enough like him that he feels calmer as he lays a hand on it. Blue J holds his other hand, sitting with him as Ben spills the whole story to the tree.

 

There’s a skittering noise above them, and Ben looks up to see a strange creature. It has a lizard’s legs and a ferret’s body, it’s eyes fixed on him as it scuttles down the tree towards him. It sits back on its hind legs once it reaches the ground, looking at him for a moment, head tilted, before it shudders, flesh rippling and transforming into a familiar scruffy halfling.

 

“Hey,” says Fero.

 

“Uh, hi,” says Ben.

 

“I heard you asking the tree about living alone,” says Fero, “I can give you its advice but it’s kind of a slow talker, and I’m not really sure it knows enough about that to actually help. I used to live alone, for like…” Fero tilts his head for a moment, thinking, the movement mirroring the way his animal body had moved. ”like ten years, I think. So I could probably give you some pointers.”

 

“That would be… good?” says Ben.

 

“Sure! I mean, I don’t have much food-finding advice because I don’t need to eat but, hey! You’ve got a ranger with you, so that’s all covered probably,” says Fero.

 

Blue J puffs out their chest a little, and Ben feels a warm-proud feeling bloom in his chest. Yeah. They’ll be just fine.

 

“So why’d you want to know about living by yourself in the woods anyway,” says Fero, “University life not rough enough for you?”

 

Ben looks down, focusing on where he and Blue J’s hands are joined. “I… What if you found out something… something bad, about yourself, that you were making a place unsafe for… for everyone. That’s a reason to run away, right?”

 

“I mean, sure,” says Fero, “but being afraid of Arrell isn’t really a good reason to run away. I mean, he’d probably be a danger even if he wasn’t, you know-” Fero wiggles his fingers next to his face.

 

“Yes, but-” Ben frowns. “Wait. Aren’t you not supposed to tell me?”

 

Fero grins, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Aren’t you not supposed to know already?”

 

“Please don’t tell my dad I know,” says Ben quickly.

 

“He’s not gonna ask me about it anyway,” says Fero, “But sure, okay.”

 

Fero turns to leave, taking a few steps before he pauses and looks over his shoulder at them. “If you were looking for Samol’s advice though, he’d probably tell you to tell Hadrian.”

 

He turns, and walks quickly down the hill, the sound of his footsteps turning into the flutter of wings as he goes.

  


Blue J walks Ben to his door and stands with him for a long time before Ben feels ready to go in. They kiss him on the cheek before they go.

 

“For luck,” they say, “You won’t need it, but it can’t hurt, right?”

 

Ben touches his cheek with his fingertips. “Yeah.”

 

He leans up and kisses them on the cheek too.

 

“For extra luck,” says Ben.

 

Blue J doesn’t let go of his hand until he’s stepping through the door.

 

His parents rise from their seats at their kitchen table as he enters, twin expressions of worry on their faces.

 

“Ben.” Hadrian lets out a long breath. “Son, I- you might want to sit down. I- _we_ have something we need to tell you.”

 

Ben takes a deep breath. “So do I.”

  


**Author's Note:**

> come say hi: mariusperkins on most places


End file.
